Oh Buffy - What Hath Thou Wrought?

So I was in the young adult section of Barnes & Noble yesterday.

(Because someone is having a birthday on Friday and apparently 10 is the new teen when it comes to books.)

I was perusing the shelves and thinking, man, all of these spines are so dark-coloured. And what is up with all the lurid fonts? Where'd all those bright travelling-pantsy books go?

And then I looked up and saw the section's sign:

Teen Paranormal Romance.

Really?! It has its own section now?

Back in my day [cue snow-trudging and wind-howling and bacon-wrapped feet], the library did not give such. It was Elizabeth and Jessica and their Sweet Valley hijinks. (Oh, oh, - will Elizabeth and Todd ever get back together?) Or it was the Girls of Canby Hall fighting racism and bad hair days while studying for their English tests and gossiping about those dreamy boys at the other school. On television, we got the equivalent in those crazy 90210 kids, where the biggest questions were "will Dillon end up with Brenda or Kelly?" and "when will Brandon realize that Emily Valentine is cuh-RAY-zee?!"

Did you ever hear Kelly moaning that Brandon was immortal and it was too, too unfair that she couldn't be, too? No. Did Jessica Wakefield and her perfect size-six body (same as her mother's! They could pass as sisters!) ever snuggle up to a werewolf? No.

Some would probably point to the Twilight series as being the source of all this undead tomfoolery. Now I've read the Twilight books, along with every tween girl and suburban soccer mom in America (in my defense, I had to read the first one for a thesis on adolescent literature I was supervising. I have no defense for the other three). They're not bad. If I had to pick a team, I'd be Team Carlisle - who needs brooding eternal hormones or howling at the moon when you can get forever-hot doctor?

They're not bad, but they're not that good, either. Certainly not good enough to spawn an entire section at B&N. If anything, they're kind of like Bailey's Irish Creme - good enough in small amounts, but ultimately way too sweet and they'll make you sick long before you absorb any of the real badness.

No, the prototype for Miss "I'm In Love with a Vampire" is none other than Buffy the Vampire Slayer who did everything first. And better than anything that's come since.

Buffy was fantastic. Smart, sassy, and she knew her way around a crossbow. None of this infernal lip-biting (lookin' at you Bella Swan!) and dithering about a boy, vampire or not. As the series progressed, it matured into an intelligent, fun, and often moving look at modern life. The episde where [spoiler alert] Joyce dies? Unbelievably heart-wrenching. The episode filmed entirely in silence? Amazing.

(The Dawn years? Not so good. I'm not a fan of "let's introduce random characters and pretend they are the heart of the plot." I've also never forgiven them for sending Angel off to L.A., spin-off or no spin-off.)

Bella and her ilk are nothing more than pale imitations of the glory that is Buffy. And it pains me that this is what is passing for (and greedily consumed as) "teen paranormal romance."

Bah. As soon as she actually is a teen, I think I'll sit her down in front of the TV and The Girl and I will have one of those lovely mother-daughter bonding moments:

"See, darling? That's how you love a vampire."