Oh, Honey - You Can Just Leave That Barn Door...

...the horse is looooong gone.

So I went to go get cheques yesterday. (And yes - it is "cheques," thank you very much.)

In the good old days back at the SCU, this would have been a simple matter of dropping by the Member Services counter, explaining what I needed, rattling off my 5-digit account number, and that's it.

If I felt the need to prolong my stay, I could have hemmed and hawwed over the fancy ones they offer, only to decide finally that, yes, I think I'll stay with the no-extra-charge-plain ones.

6 minutes, tops.

But it seems we're in the brave new world of banking now.

The Husband and I have hated our bank down here since the get-go. Back in Canada, we chose the SCU as our financial needs provider right from the start and thus managed to avoid Big Banks altogether.

But down here, membership in a credit union is very restricted to whichever special interest group it serves. We are not Lutherans nor teachers nor steelworkers nor do we live within any of the extremely small geographical boundaries. And so, we found ourselves at one of the Big Ones.

The initial shock was for the fees. It's pay-as-you-go banking and the definition of "go" seems to be a mouse click. Gone are the days of easy transfers. Kaput are the days of an allotted number of free transactions a month. Wanna set up an automatic transfer? That's gonna cost you.

Then came the nasty surprise of what are known as "closing costs." Looking into the labyrinthine process that is buying a house in the States, we came quite quickly to discover that doing a quick credit check, giving a thumbs up as to our pay-it-back-worthiness, and copying off a few mortgage documents for us to sign is major bucks. As in, "thousands of dollars" major bucks.

(I seem to remember obtaining a mortgage from the SCU costing a grand total of about $200, but that was almost fifteen years ago, so mayhap it's gone up there, too.)

But cheques? Cheques should be easy. That's just a quick ticky box and delivered to your house in 7-10 days, yes?

Apparently not.

I popped into the Big One yesterday at lunch, and had to sign in with the host. Yup, they've got triage.

The host brought me almost immediately into Seth's cubicle. This because there was no line-up. Making the need for a triage nurse/host somewhat questionable, but whatever. At least he has a job.

Now Seth was very nice, but also fairly nervous, as his manager was there to "observe." He was quite sweet, and my heart went out to him. Trying to do one's job under the watchful eye of an evaluator = a trying experience. I was beaming confidence and smiles Seth's way as we began.

Sweet Seth: So, what can I help you with.

PM: I would like some cheques. [Ha - I can spell it any way I want when it's spoken. You better believe I pronounce those Q's]

SS: Sure thing.

[5 minute delay to try unsuccessfully several times to use my PIN card to call up my account, only to revert to the actual account number on the actual cheque I had brought in. Like I say, he was nervous.]

SS: Alright, now before you go, could I ask you a few questions about the services you have with The Big One? We'd like to make sure we are meeting your needs.

PM: [Again with the empathy.] Sure, no problem!

SS: I see you're transferring some money into your savings account...

PM: Yup, slow but sure! [sensing where this is going] But it's not really a set amount every month, so we do it manually. We don't want to set up automatic transfers.

SS: Oh...okay. Well, what about the types of accounts you have with us? I see you have chequing and savings...

PM: Actually, we've just started to give our kids allowances. Do you have a kid-friendly no-fee account?

SS: Yes, definitely. [explains] All I need is their socials. Did you want to set those up now?

PM: [Realizes he means SSNs. Don't think our kids even have them. Plus, my lunch break is getting very short.] No thanks, I'll just pop in sometime.

SS: Did you want to schedule an appointment?

PM: No thanks, I just work downstairs. I'll come in.

SS: Well, here's my card. So, what are you saving for? A vacation? A new car?

PM: [Too polite to tell him this is a somewhat personal question, especially as he's probably just following the script that Manager Man is evaluating] Uh, a house.

SS: Ah, I see. Are you keeping an eye on the mortgage rates?

PM: [Thinking, no, dumbass, I'm partying like it's 2007 and assuming a pulse and Greenspan's bargain basement interest rates will be allll I need.] Yup, it's certainly a good time to buy right now. But we need a bigger downpayment, so hence the savings.

SS: [chuckling] Yeah, they need you to have, what, 10% down now at least. My wife and I just bought a house actually.

PM: [Salt in the wound, much?] Oh, how exciting.

SS: Are you thinking about your growing your credit at all?

PM: Uh, yes. That's why we have credit cards that we pay off in full every month.

SS: Oh, I don't see them listed here.... So... what's your safety net? Like, if one of you lost your jobs, what would you do?

PM: [Seriously?!] Um, well, that's what the whole savings thing is for, too. You know - work towards the downpayment, use it as a safety net if something goes wrong - that sort of thing.

[And on for awhile like this, until I finally got to declare how nice it was to meet both of them and finally leave.]

Now, here's the deal. I get that America is in bad shape right now. In part, the blame for this shape is a result of not asking exactly these types of questions.

But.

It's a little late to start, yes? And why is Seth (as a mouthpiece for The Big One) the one asking the questions? Shouldn't every person with a bank account (and credit cards and insurance and the embarrassment of riches that is TWO jobs in one household given current economic conditions) have been considering these issues for a long time?

All I wanted was some cheques. Apparently, the cost of said cheques is 25 minutes wasted of my lunch break and the baring of my financial soul. Sigh.