Vendredi V - The People on the Bus Go Up and Down

I saw the nicest girl on the bus the other day. A woman boarded and asked the driver how much the ride would cost after she produced some sort of discount fare card. He said, "75 cents," and she began to rummage around in her purse. She pulled out some bills, then turned to everyone and asked, "Anyone got change for a dollar?"

(Which? Makes you either really, really frugal or really, really hard up. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be watching my pennies so closely that I'd ask perfect strangers for change in order to save a quarter. Given the current unclaimed currency that gathers dust on the dryer post-pocket sorting, I realize I pretty much have no idea.)

No one ponied up immediately, so the driver motioned her on. She sat down, and a girl sitting in the front quickly got out her wallet. She found some coins and, smiling, passed them to the newcomer. Then, when the lady tried to make the exchange, the girl waved her off and said, "No, no, that's okay."

Not two minutes later, when a young family toting two preschoolers and a collapsible stroller boarded the bus, this same girl was up and out of her front-row seat and moving towards a less accessible back-of-the-bus seat before both sippy cups had made it on.

(This in stark contrast to the loser teenager who nonchalantly occupied his disabled/elderly/not-for-healthy-young-bucks-unless-there's-no-one-else-on-the-bus prime real estate while the mother of the children stood and tried not to fall over at each frequent stop.)

She was my bus hero that day, a welcome sight on a commute where I have few opportunities to witness similar acts of greatness.

I don't know what it is about bus culture. Something about it tends to invite rudeness - perhaps it is the forced intimacy with strangers, the sweaty heat of late, the strange position of being alone and anonymous while your thigh brushes up against someone else.

And man, was it ever a week to give Miss Manners a run for her money. I give you:

Top 5 Rude Things I Heard On The Bus This Week

1. "WHAT THE ^&% ARE YOU DOING?!?!? WHAT THE &%* IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" This yelled from the back of the bus to the bus driver, who had the audacity to drive away from a requested stop after looking in the mirror and not seeing the now-understandably-irate man who decided only after the fact that he wanted to get off.

2. "So, like, there he was eating tacos without any cheese or sour cream, but he had parmesan cheese, so that seemed really strange, but also at the same time kind of cute, you know? and how he didn't want to come over because he'd be all sad to see my dog and then have to, you know, put him back into my bedroom..." I suppose that one can't really blame young people who seem to think that once the bus gets going it's time to pull out their cell phones. So much condemnation is levelled these days at those who talk/text/put on make-up/eat/read the newspaper while they drive their cars that they must see themselves as model citizens for pursuing these activities while under the capable care of a designated driver.

Plus, given that phone booths have gone the way of the dodo, I can see how one might confuse one long metal cylinder with the other. Except for that part about how a phone booth allowed you to have a private conversation, while a bus simply ensures that the entire bus has the pleasure of finding out about last night's craaaaazy party - oh YEAH!!

3. [...] Silence today, from the woman who pretended to be so deeply engrossed in her book that she failed to notice the rest of us standing in the aisle, looking down with contempt at her purse. Which had a seat to itself, while the rest of us tried to plant our feet firmly so we wouldn't topple over when we hit highway speed.

4. "Crunch, crunch, crunch." Confession time: I HATE being around other people eating cereal. The drinking of milk from the bowl is awful, and I have to avert my eyes and think about other things than their adam's apple when I see someone do it. Worse than seeing it all is the sound. I cannot handle that schmauksy sound it makes. Worse than the sound? The smell. Worst cereal smell?! CHEERIOS. Which the girl behind me was noisily eating for over 15 blocks on Tuesday. The sound was bad enough, but smelling her post-mastication-Cheerios-chasing-coffee breath alllllmost did me in.

5. "pshhhhhhhh" Hey buddy. Those AXE commercials where one spray leads to nubile, sweaty, scantily-clad women descending upon you with hunger in their eyes and nostrils flaring appreciatively? That's called MAR-KUH-TING. That doesn't really happen.

And the bus on a hot day when I can't open the windows because the lady in front of me will frown at me because it is messing up her hair and I've got 30 minutes of my ride left is NOT the place for you to make a quick addition to your sex appeal right before getting off and leaving us with the long-lingering reminders of your machismo.